Perfectionism.
"Thou shalt be perfect with the Lord" (Deut 18:13)
Perfectionism dooms me into thinking I am productive while only spinning my wheels.Convinced me multiple times to simply not turn in a paper because, welp, my paper just wasn't 'good enough' for review. Perfectionism often pains me to no end and prevents me from cleaning my room, trying new things, working out and even washing my hair etc. Unless things are "perfect." Perfectionism has caused so many self-defeating moments how do I begin to describe-- let alone tackle-- such a personally emotional topic?
The aspiration to be perfect is intrinsic to my DNA. It is also laced in the current culture I find myself in... even Salt Lake City. I am so personally biased to this striving that I cannot simply describe where my need to be perfect originally derives. I also can't simply deny the hunger by letting go of perfection either, or else I might starve. I struggle, almost on the daily with remarkable extreme tendencies.
You can see how when perfectionism persists... heartache ensues.
When I was a little girl I remember dreaming about our family trip to Disneyland: sparkly characters were to parade me about paradise and thusly drink pink tea and sandwiches. I ran Track and Field, and found myself soon in seventh (last) place because as soon as the first little girl passed me... I knew I couldn't win. Oh, and Disney land was a crock!
And then conversely and most recently: I am far more productive and happy when things are less perfect.
My workouts are still satisfactory even when I am sore, or tired or plain unmotivated.
Even when I spend fifteen minutes cleaning, my room really does look better.
I am social even when the parameters are not ideal: I continue to meet also imperfect, people and have had amazing experiences... imperfectly. I still struggle in my attempts to understand perfectionism and started to analyze some main sources I have derived my idealism from, many religious.
"Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect. (Matt 5:48)"
In this case, being perfect is a commandment brought down from on high... not to be trifled with. There are a lot of difficulties with this commandment: namely by itself. When I had taken this command out of context-- as I often have in my strivings and utter failings-- I feel will never "make it." And I am overcome-why even try? I find myself in these moments of self-reflection...
“Why the desire for death.
A clean paper or pure white wall.
One false line, a scratch, a mistake.
Unerasable. So obscure by
adding million other tracings,
blend it, cover over.
But the original scratch remains,
written in gold blood, shining.
Desire for a Perfect Life.”
― Jim Morrison
So I dive down into some pouting, I may even give up for a moment.
Soon I return to my roots (DNA, Social Climate, Religious Affiliations) and I want to BE more and try more.
So conflicted!
After all, what is the purpose of life if not to “dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Do not bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.” (William Faulkner). A cycle continues in almost every, even menial task. Even writing this post. I try and unless I am "perfect" I feel like I have failed. I consider my options, strive for more and soon become discontent and in an essence paralyzed by the incriminating thought of not succeeding to the heights I once sought after. This success, as defined by my unrealistic idealism, will not be achieved on my own. And therefore I return to being sad.
A clean paper or pure white wall.
One false line, a scratch, a mistake.
Unerasable. So obscure by
adding million other tracings,
blend it, cover over.
But the original scratch remains,
written in gold blood, shining.
Desire for a Perfect Life.”
― Jim Morrison
So I dive down into some pouting, I may even give up for a moment.
Soon I return to my roots (DNA, Social Climate, Religious Affiliations) and I want to BE more and try more.
So conflicted!
After all, what is the purpose of life if not to “dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Do not bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.” (William Faulkner). A cycle continues in almost every, even menial task. Even writing this post. I try and unless I am "perfect" I feel like I have failed. I consider my options, strive for more and soon become discontent and in an essence paralyzed by the incriminating thought of not succeeding to the heights I once sought after. This success, as defined by my unrealistic idealism, will not be achieved on my own. And therefore I return to being sad.
As I was searching the scriptures and even modern thought to help encompass my depredated thoughts of perfectionism my thoughts eventually continue to hope.
I am a most Christian girl and can find most needed self compassion in thinking a perfect man, even mankind's Savior loved me enough to die FOR ME: most imperfect, flawed and bound to stray. When I am able to hold onto this thought that He was perfect and knew I would sin, knew I would fall short, knew I would need Him. In this very thought I return from emotional distress and instead feel love.
I am a most Christian girl and can find most needed self compassion in thinking a perfect man, even mankind's Savior loved me enough to die FOR ME: most imperfect, flawed and bound to stray. When I am able to hold onto this thought that He was perfect and knew I would sin, knew I would fall short, knew I would need Him. In this very thought I return from emotional distress and instead feel love.
“There is no fear in love; perfect love casts out all fear.”
John 4:18.
Who better to cast out all fear than one who loved and lived perfectly?
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” (John 4:13)
Pretty universal is this idea of grace.
In the midst of my utter failures, there is One who can and surely does make up the difference and the deficit that is impervious to my own talents, merits or effort. At first my realization that I am not enough is devastating. I can get some confidence... and am swiftly reminded of my mortality, my insignificance, my imperfections. And I don't think simply recognizing my inability or mortality is the key to self satisfaction or even the original goal: to keep trying despite your ability to be perfect. No, I think I have only brushed on part of it... but this is something that helps me.
Pretty universal is this idea of grace.
In the midst of my utter failures, there is One who can and surely does make up the difference and the deficit that is impervious to my own talents, merits or effort. At first my realization that I am not enough is devastating. I can get some confidence... and am swiftly reminded of my mortality, my insignificance, my imperfections. And I don't think simply recognizing my inability or mortality is the key to self satisfaction or even the original goal: to keep trying despite your ability to be perfect. No, I think I have only brushed on part of it... but this is something that helps me.
“The sin underneath all our sins is to trust the lie of the serpent that we cannot trust the love and grace of Christ and must take matters into our own hands...” Martin Luther.
To my original distress to be in God's presence, I must be perfect. The missing link, is that we will be PERFECTED. To ultimately achieve this perfection the Savior paid the ultimate price and by His grace we are made good again. And I am not just saved someday, but most definitely lifted beyond myself TODAY, when I remember Him, when I ask for help beyond my mortality and to do lists--this is the keystone to my personal testimony of my Savior, and who He is. Who He is today.
To my original distress to be in God's presence, I must be perfect. The missing link, is that we will be PERFECTED. To ultimately achieve this perfection the Savior paid the ultimate price and by His grace we are made good again. And I am not just saved someday, but most definitely lifted beyond myself TODAY, when I remember Him, when I ask for help beyond my mortality and to do lists--this is the keystone to my personal testimony of my Savior, and who He is. Who He is today.
Without the knowledge of my Savior, and His plan to bring me to Salvation I would be far more invalidated than I already feel at times. I would feel thwarted in my efforts. I am not sure how others attain any success in life without knowing the love of one who is perfect.
When I forget these truths, and try to be perfect on my own I live this quaint maxim, "'Nothing prevails but perfection,' may be spelled PARALYSIS.” Winston Churchhill.
“Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God's love encompasses us completely. ... He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken.” Dieter F. Uchtdorf.
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